"For we have no actions"
The season of T'shuva is drawing to a close; the final sealing of the Book of Life comes in a few days on Hoshana Raba. It has been a difficult season for me for many reasons; I'd like to share some of them with you. As I have said, this blog is not about my personal life, but I have also said it's me talking to myself...so please listen in.
The very first time we said Avinu Malkenu on Rosh Hashana, as we were singing the last line, it occured to me what it means. We ask Hahem to show us mercy, כי אין בנו מעשים. This is usually translated, 'for we have no good deeds,' but the word good isn't in the Hebrew! It's just assumed. It occurred to me--it's not enough to have good thoughts and beliefs. Torah is about putting them into action. There are, thank God, people who are actively working for the good. But too many of us, myself often included, are arm-chair generals. I talk the good talk; I think that what I say reflects what the Torah really wants of us. But through lack of time, lack of organization, and too much temerity, I rarely have the chance to DO anything. (Although there have been times that I have been able to effect some change and I am grateful for those.) I am not the only one; if all of us could try a little harder to actually DO something, it can make a big dent.
Another thing that struck me this year (not for the first time) is the lack of genuine asking for Mechila, forgiveness. We all know that for sins between man and man, Hashem will not forgive until you ask forgiveness of the person you wronged. Far too many people (again I am talking to myself) feel that, when they look back on the year, they haven't really wronged anyone. As Rav Riskin likes to quote from Freud, everyone is a genius at self-deception. They have justified to themselves everything they have done, so there is nothing for which they need be forgiven. As I mentioned in my very first post, many also feel that all good frum Jews will automatically forgive anyone who has wronged them before Yom Kippur starts. Anyone who doesn't do that, either with Tefilla Zaka or with a less formal declaration, doesn't count anyway.
So most people either don't do anything, or satisfy themselves with the silly running from one person to the next asking, "You'll mochel me?" and moving on without waiting for an answer.
If we could truly understand that we can and have hurt others, and that they need more than just a pro forma apology, we could begin to effect a change for the better.
Another thing bothering me this year is the fact that I work for a 'frum' company, in the heart of Yerushalaim Ir HaKodesh, which epitomizes what the Ramban calls Naval Birshut HaTorah, "a sleazebag with the permission of the Torah." This is true both in the way they treat their customers and in the way they treat their employees. Both right before and right after Yom Kippur I was assigned to billing customers for a service they thought was free...because the charge was buried deep in the legal disclaimers. This is EXACTLY the kind of evil business practice that helps bring Amalek and it makes me feel like a hypocrite; but since I have a family to support I have no choice but to do it. (If it was actually illegal, I would legally be able to refuse.) So, you say, why don't I quit and trust that Hashem will sustain me? Because of the principle that we do not rely on miracles. But it sure makes it harder to ask forgiveness on Yom Kippur when I know I will be doing the same bad thing the day after.
Right before Neilah, the Rav of our shul spoke for a few minutes, and he spoke about doing the Mitzvot for their own sake, not for selfish reasons. This also hit a nerve; I will not deny that sometimes I like to layn because of the compliments I get; there is also always the hope that, with this blog and other outlets, I will not just be able to effect some change but also become famous doing it. This is normal, of course, and it is not necessarily a bad thing--Chazal talk about serving Hashem with 'both' your hearts, meaning the Yetzer Tov AND the Yetzer haRa. But you certainly have to watch yourself carefully to make sure you don't cross the line.
This is one of the reasons, when I quote someone else here, I generally say they say it better than me...despite my desires for fame and fortune, it's more important to me that the message gets out than that I am the messenger. One of my sons tells me this may cause people to believe me and quit reading my blog in favor of the others. That's fine with me. If I knew, for example, that everyone was reading Rav Riskin's divrei Torah on a regular basis and skipping mine, I would be extremely happy. So I will continue to say that there are others who say it better than me.
One final observation...we are, as I said, at the end of the season of T'shuva...but EVERY season is appropriate for T'shuva...EVERY day can be a 'Day of Repentance.' It's not OK to sin now because we have over 11 months before the next round...and the world can't wait for next Rosh Hashana for thing to change. We need to keep working, in any way possible, to bring about changes NOW. The third part of Hillel's famous Mishna ('If i am not for myself...'--Pirkei Avot 1:14) is, 'If not now, when?'
When indeed. Let's try to make 5768 the year we REALLY being to change the ourselves and the world. Shana Tova and G'mar Chatima Tova.
The very first time we said Avinu Malkenu on Rosh Hashana, as we were singing the last line, it occured to me what it means. We ask Hahem to show us mercy, כי אין בנו מעשים. This is usually translated, 'for we have no good deeds,' but the word good isn't in the Hebrew! It's just assumed. It occurred to me--it's not enough to have good thoughts and beliefs. Torah is about putting them into action. There are, thank God, people who are actively working for the good. But too many of us, myself often included, are arm-chair generals. I talk the good talk; I think that what I say reflects what the Torah really wants of us. But through lack of time, lack of organization, and too much temerity, I rarely have the chance to DO anything. (Although there have been times that I have been able to effect some change and I am grateful for those.) I am not the only one; if all of us could try a little harder to actually DO something, it can make a big dent.
Another thing that struck me this year (not for the first time) is the lack of genuine asking for Mechila, forgiveness. We all know that for sins between man and man, Hashem will not forgive until you ask forgiveness of the person you wronged. Far too many people (again I am talking to myself) feel that, when they look back on the year, they haven't really wronged anyone. As Rav Riskin likes to quote from Freud, everyone is a genius at self-deception. They have justified to themselves everything they have done, so there is nothing for which they need be forgiven. As I mentioned in my very first post, many also feel that all good frum Jews will automatically forgive anyone who has wronged them before Yom Kippur starts. Anyone who doesn't do that, either with Tefilla Zaka or with a less formal declaration, doesn't count anyway.
So most people either don't do anything, or satisfy themselves with the silly running from one person to the next asking, "You'll mochel me?" and moving on without waiting for an answer.
If we could truly understand that we can and have hurt others, and that they need more than just a pro forma apology, we could begin to effect a change for the better.
Another thing bothering me this year is the fact that I work for a 'frum' company, in the heart of Yerushalaim Ir HaKodesh, which epitomizes what the Ramban calls Naval Birshut HaTorah, "a sleazebag with the permission of the Torah." This is true both in the way they treat their customers and in the way they treat their employees. Both right before and right after Yom Kippur I was assigned to billing customers for a service they thought was free...because the charge was buried deep in the legal disclaimers. This is EXACTLY the kind of evil business practice that helps bring Amalek and it makes me feel like a hypocrite; but since I have a family to support I have no choice but to do it. (If it was actually illegal, I would legally be able to refuse.) So, you say, why don't I quit and trust that Hashem will sustain me? Because of the principle that we do not rely on miracles. But it sure makes it harder to ask forgiveness on Yom Kippur when I know I will be doing the same bad thing the day after.
Right before Neilah, the Rav of our shul spoke for a few minutes, and he spoke about doing the Mitzvot for their own sake, not for selfish reasons. This also hit a nerve; I will not deny that sometimes I like to layn because of the compliments I get; there is also always the hope that, with this blog and other outlets, I will not just be able to effect some change but also become famous doing it. This is normal, of course, and it is not necessarily a bad thing--Chazal talk about serving Hashem with 'both' your hearts, meaning the Yetzer Tov AND the Yetzer haRa. But you certainly have to watch yourself carefully to make sure you don't cross the line.
This is one of the reasons, when I quote someone else here, I generally say they say it better than me...despite my desires for fame and fortune, it's more important to me that the message gets out than that I am the messenger. One of my sons tells me this may cause people to believe me and quit reading my blog in favor of the others. That's fine with me. If I knew, for example, that everyone was reading Rav Riskin's divrei Torah on a regular basis and skipping mine, I would be extremely happy. So I will continue to say that there are others who say it better than me.
One final observation...we are, as I said, at the end of the season of T'shuva...but EVERY season is appropriate for T'shuva...EVERY day can be a 'Day of Repentance.' It's not OK to sin now because we have over 11 months before the next round...and the world can't wait for next Rosh Hashana for thing to change. We need to keep working, in any way possible, to bring about changes NOW. The third part of Hillel's famous Mishna ('If i am not for myself...'--Pirkei Avot 1:14) is, 'If not now, when?'
When indeed. Let's try to make 5768 the year we REALLY being to change the ourselves and the world. Shana Tova and G'mar Chatima Tova.
posted by meturgeman | 8:30 PM
